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• It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
  
  
• How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards. Spanish Proverb
  
  
• It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  
  
• Most people do very efficiently what needs not be done at all.
  
  
• I think therefore I am... I think.
  
  
• Dejaja vu = "Have we met, Ms. Gabor?"
  
  
• Dijon vu = "This mustard tastes familiar."
  
  
• Daysa vu = "This is the same storyline they did on that other soap opera."
  
  
• Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago."
  
  
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  
  
• Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
  
  
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  
  
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  
  
• I'm not only weird, I'm gifted too!
  
  
• Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
  
  
• "The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity."-Harlan Ellison
  
  
• My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!
  
  
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
  
  
• When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum!
  
  
• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
  
  
• Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
  
  
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  
  
• If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  
  
• Always imitate the behavior of winners when you lose.
  
  
• I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
  
  
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  
  
• Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the questions.
  
  
• If it ain't broke, break it! It'll do you good.
  
  
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  
  
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  
  
• Don't put all your pigs in one basket. It'll get really heavy.
  
  
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  
  
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  
  o. What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
  
  
• "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
  
  
• If you cannot get what you like, why not try to like what you get?
  
  
• Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
  
  
• I say no to drugs, They just don't listen...
  
  
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
  
  
• I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
  
  
• There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
  
  
• 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
  
  
• Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
  
  
• My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
  
  
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
  
  
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  
  
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  
  
• Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.
  
  
• I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good
  
  
• I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that stuff.
  
  
• Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most.
  
  
• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  
  
• TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
  
  
• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  
  
• People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
  
  
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  
  
• All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have to do them.
  
  
• In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
  
  
• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a parkbench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
  
  
• I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken.

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