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• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!
  
  
• If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
  
  
• If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!
  
  
• Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
  
  
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  
  
• You're so open-minded, your brains fell out
  
  
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  
  
• It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.
  
  
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  
  
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  
  
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  
  
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  
  
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  
  
• Don't you think it's a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  
  
• I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on cd.
  
  
• Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
  
  
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  
  
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  
  
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
  
  
• Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  
  
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  
  
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  
  
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  
  o. Avoid reality at all costs.
  
  
• No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
  
  
• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  
  
• Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
  
  
• When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
  
  
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  
  
• All general statements are false.
  
  
• I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.- Albert Einstein
  
  
• Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
  
  
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
  
  
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
  
  
• How can there be self-help groups?
  
  
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  
  
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
  
  
• Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
  
  
• Never forget that 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  
  
• TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  
  
• If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  
  
• Sure, the truth hurts, but so does a machete.
  
  
• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  
  
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  
  
• There's no danger so pressing that it couldn't be worse
  
  
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  
  
• If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten.
  
  
• Don't you hate it when life throws you a curveball and you forget to duck?
  
  
• If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
  
  
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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